Qantas Airlines

Just in case you need a laugh:
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in a latitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.


And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midgetQa

Moby's Idea of a Funny Story

Or why Moby should stick to being a DJ and never ever try to be a standup comedian or a comedy writer:

oh, i got some good lindsay lohan gossip. turns out she's a space alien and is actually a composite creature made out of 50 other tiny creatures, kind of like when the little rascals stand on each others shoulders and pretend to be an adult. she's really 50 tiny space alien creatures pretending to be human.

it's true, i heard it from the homeless guy in front of milk studios and he never lies about anything. like the time he told me that the pentagon is really an aquarium for floating reptile brains. he's never wrong.

It's funny in the same way you might find The Kids of Widney High funny. Does that make me a bad person?

/rizzn

Retarded Political Update

I really can't say why I did this yet (I'll tell you later), but I did a Google Trend search today that turned up the following information.



So, as it turns out, John McCain is roughly as popular as "Yer Mom" jokes.

/rizzn

Unopened Emails

I hate those emails that I never open. On average I have about seven or so a day. You know what I'm talking about... You open it and you know you'll have to do something about it, so you don't open it so you can continue working on whatever it is that's so important you can't be interrupted at the time. Then the email ages for weeks in the back of the inbox, long-forgotten, and you garner a reputation for being a slacker when really you're just a busy guy. It's good to know that Ninjas and Programmers share this trait.

Marketing Ideas

[15:37] dreamclutch: what about a blimp
[15:37] RznDoUrdn: hah
[15:38] dreamclutch: what if I made a 50 foot blimp
[15:38] dreamclutch: radio controlled...
[15:39] RznDoUrdn: You might run into FAA trouble.
[15:44] dreamclutch: yeah but dude ..it would be halarious
[15:44] dreamclutch: I go to this diner right
[15:44] dreamclutch: know a lot of people there
[15:44] dreamclutch: fly the 50 foot blimp above the diner and route 309
[15:44] dreamclutch: with celebitrix.com lit up on the sides
[15:45] dreamclutch: and radio control it ...
[15:45] dreamclutch: then for a finale, ..launch fireworks which are located on the underbelly of thee blimp
[15:45] dreamclutch: what do you think
[15:45] RznDoUrdn: LOL
[15:45] RznDoUrdn: make it a hydrogen blimp
[15:45] RznDoUrdn: then you have a deal
[15:45] RznDoUrdn: hehe
[15:46] RznDoUrdn: you can change your company slogan to 'blow up like a celebrity'
[15:46] RznDoUrdn: Your company mascot can be Richard Pryor

The LOVE SHACK, baby.

And in other news, Iris and I do a stirring rendition of the B52's Love Shack.

See what 50 years will do.

Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.
1957- - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.
1957 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.

Headlines from the Year: 2029

I wrote a little utility this weekend that displays headlines via RSS feeds that come from The Future(tm). Check out some of the stuff it pulled down.

• Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
  
• Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
  
• Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
  
• Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
  
• France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
  
• Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
  
• George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
  
• Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
  
• 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
  
• Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
  
• Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
  
• Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
  
• Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
  
• Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
  
• New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
  
• Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
  
• IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
  
• Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

/rizzn

Flags of our Fathers Day

Check out the site Girls Are Pretty. Absolutely drop dead hilarious creative writing.

For a sample, read below:

Your father was never in a war. The military didn’t want him because he walked funny, like a gay chicken, and though he was never diagnosed with a physical infirmity, his way of walking was enough for the draft office to send him home.

“But I want to raise a flag on a foreign beach, like those guys!” he shouted to the man looking for kids to send to Viet Nam.

“Maybe you can do your part by going home and learning to sew,” the military man giggled. “Someone’s got to make the flag before it gets raised, you know.”

Your father took the man’s advice and started a custom flag-making business. He distributes his share of American flags, especially around the Fourth of July, but his specialty is the custom design.

“A group of us meet every month and collect tadpoles from the creek,” a man seeking a flag might say to your father. “We’re all in our forties.”

“I’ve got it,” your father will say. Then he’ll sketch out a pattern of earth tones with a solid block in the corner containing three wormy looking creatures held in a palm worn down with time.

“I’m a serial killer and I like to stick a little flag inside the eye-socket of my victims,” another customer might tell your father. “Fucks with the police something fierce.”

Your father will ask the killer how many people he plans to kill, then he’ll quickly cover a sheet of sketch paper in blood red colored pencil. In the corner will be a block of stars, just like the American flag, but three of the stars will be upside down. “You stick this in your third victim. I’ll need to give you one for every person you kill. This is going to be expensive.”

The serial killer would place the order and would then start saving money before he went on his killing spree. Your father might end up getting stuck with the flags if the killer came to his senses or got caught molesting a farmer’s crop or something else that would send him to jail, but your father was the kind of man who would take the risk for the sake of his vision. Compromising a design was a far greater sacrifice than the monetary investment.

Your father’s never made you a flag before. Today, as a grown man, you’re going to go into his shop and place your order.

“I want a flag that says Oops on it so I can raise it in the air every time I fart.”

Your father won’t sketch right away. First he’ll need to wipe the tears from his eyes. He always dreamed that one day you would come to him like this. Cry with him.

Finally, he’ll wipe his nose, take a breath, and he’ll say, “Do you want 'Oops' with an explanation point or a frownie face?”

/rizzn

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