Hot Crossed Buns

Dear Diary,

How are you today? I'm fine.

I just woke up. It's like 2 now. In the afternoon.

The good things about not having a job.

Well, jam packed day. Sorry I haven't been updating much. I promise I will finish out the jail story. There's like 10 more pages I have to transpose. And I need to go get my paychecks today, and fix my computer, and call some people, and get ready to go to visit out of town friends this weekend and probably some other stuff I can't think of right now. Fun stuff.

I'd rather go back to sleep and stay asleep and not face the world, but you just can't do that. This isn't jail. Heh.

Crackbaby just breezed in and out.... he's on his way to work now.

I find it hard for me to complain about anything these days. Nothing compares to the complaint level of the previous two weeks. So I guess you are looking at the grudgingly happy Rizzn.

Gosh this entry sucks. sorry. I'll do better next time.

/rizzn

Quote of the Entry: "Last night I went up to Greg and I said, "Greg, you are a hot piece of ass."

- tenderpoison

First update of jail stuff

writings from jail, first entry

Dear Diary,

I finally have something to writ on and with and it feels great. I also have some cigs to smoke. Of course they are only Marlboros (yuck) but it is better than nothing.

I guess i should update you as to how events transpired to put me in jail for a week and a half with a Klansman for a cellmate who is such an inbred fool that he won't be able to interpret my rune-skript with the key written on the top.

But anyways, as some of you know, I was pretty destitute and broke last year and in the process of moving to Dallas I recieved a couple traffic tickets. I failed to appear so they eventually turned to warrants.

Lewissville PD picked me up for these warrants Friday night while I was picking up party supplies. I knew I was going to jail. Before he even pulled out of his speed trap. He followed me for two blocks before he even turned on his lights. It really sucked.

After the arrest and processing, I was stuck in solitary for an hour, until they finally gave me my phone call. I informed the roomies where they could get my car, which they did. And were at that time informed that my fines came to around $1900. Needless to say, no-one was able to afford that, so at that point I knew I was in for the long haul.

I spent the night in a holding cell with a cot and a blanket. Up to the time I got got my final cell in Van Zandt County, these were the best accomadations I recieved. Over the course of the night several drunk fools entered my cell with their blankets in hand. And was a follow named Brandon, in for a DUI. He was going around 130 MpH down I-35 N on Wild Turkey. He was 18. Then there was Travis, in for grand theft, quite the criminal, having been in every jail in the metroplex at the ripe old age of 26. And then there was Raphael, age 17, arrested for DWI as well. The funny thing with Raphael was that he didn't have a drivers license and doesn't drive. He wasn't driving when he was arrested, he was sitting in a car listening to some music.. The rest of the cots filled up over the course of the night but I didn't notice them really as I slept thru the night fairly decently.

writings from jail, saturday night

I wake up to find the cells pretty full with aforementioned individuals.

I awoke to be served some pretty terrible microwaveable food. It looked good on the box, but tasted about as good as cardboard. I ate very little of the small portion served. (think Hormel making a whole meal! Yes, that good!)

I went back to sleep for a bit, more and was later woken when the whole crew was sent to go before the pseudo judge (some sort of assistant or semi judge thingy) to have our bails assesed. It was there when I learned who everyone was and how badly I wronged the state of Texas. Sortof. No-one was very helpful at all. I wound up pleading not guilty to all charges, which did not help me get out of there any quicker. So I spent saturday chatting with everyone until they made bail one by one. When I was alone at about 2:00 pm, I was alone in the big cell again until about 9:00 pm when the DWI's and DUI'S straggled back in to jail.

Around 10:00pm a Mexican fellow from Durango or something got picked up for theft of a television at a Target. He spoke very little English. Conversation was scarce. I think his name was George Mendez (sounds like Whore-Gay). A couple other fellows came in there shortly thereafter - a fellow named Paul, in for assault on his dad, and Mexican dude name Jesus (sounds like Hey-Seuss). After a while of chating with my new fellow inmates, we went in for my second arraignment -- this time with a real judge.

This time was the first time anyone was actually helpful to me and explained what I'd need to do to take kare of my fines. he gave me about $500 credit on my $824 fine in Lewisville for time served. Thereafter I was marched back into the cell. I went to sleep up until around 4:00am.

When gearge and I were shackled and transported to a state jail -- Denton County jail. After processing, I was sent to the special kind of hell called the "holding cell". This would be my new home for a while.

To be continued when I feel up to it later.

Love, Rizzn

Hi. I'm back now

Dear Diary...

I'm out of jail, back to updating. Sorry to those of you who emailed me, my box filled up with a few attachments, and i'm sure most of your emails bounced.

I was in jail for traffic tickets. At one point it was a grand total of $1900 bucks. Some how it worked itself down to $207, and my dad came and paid for me to get out today, for some reason. A day before I was supposed to be released, but oh well.

I have chronicled the whole freaking adventure, somewhere in the middle of it I did get a tablet and pen to write with.

But I've lost my job and the respect of my peers in the process, so I'm pretty down about that. Getting a new job shouldn't be a problem. It just blows that I have to do it.

Anyways, expect major update with previous week's info in the near future.

Love, Rizzn

With one hand, believe it or not.

Dear Diary,

Ack! With monkeys the size of Kelly and Kat on my back, it makes me feel guilty for not updating a few hundred times a day. But don't stop doing the guilt trip thing, it's pretty flattering.

Well, this is a diary entry to say that I might not be talking to you diary for the next day or two or three because it's the weekend of WhazzupCon2000: Lan Wars, ie, my cheesey name for the huge assed lan party we are having over at muh old apartment this weekend.

I took a day off work to prepare. What have I done with this time? I've wanked and wanked, that's what I've done. What else would you expect from the Captain of Team Wank.

Thanks for the favorite lines of BS everyone keeps sending me. They keep me in stitches. Well, not stitches, but chuckles at least. ;-)

My gosh, I am glad that whole thing's resolved. Heh.

welp, I'm out like a ... uhm.. thing that's really really out.

Sorry guys, my razor sharp wit isn't working today.

/rizzn

Quote of the Entry: "Lets all give a huge RAWR!! (with one hand) for Sabby!!! "

- Super Fast Kel

RAWR!

BS PhD: BullSh!t Piled Head Deep.

Dear Diary,

Once again, at the Kat, I shall update. ;-)

Well, hrmm, waitta second, I haven't checked my mail today. hrmm Lemme see if there's something interesting there to talk about.

Oh wait, you want something interesting? Read this chat log that took place only seconds ago.

---

Yahoo! Messenger: Conference [Rizzn]-72920 started.
Yahoo! Messenger: bigPoppaPump has joined the conference.
Rizzn: you can invite her if you want
Rizzn: i don't want to open up a window that lets her message me all the time now
bigPoppaPump: do you want me too?
Rizzn: 'yeah
bigPoppaPump: ok
Yahoo! Messenger: TheGirl has joined the conference.
bigPoppaPump: [Rizzn] is here [theGirl]
TheGirl: whats up with you [Rizzn]? Why are you telling people I threw your computer in the rain?
TheGirl: I threeew your book and your clothes
Rizzn: i said you threw my sh!t out the door
TheGirl: cause I was pissed
Rizzn: which is what you did
Rizzn: fscking ruined an expensive book
Rizzn: pages are ripped from it
Rizzn: stained two shirts
TheGirl: but Im not a big enough of a bitch to throew your computer in the rain
TheGirl: well you hurt me
Rizzn: oh
Rizzn: gee
Rizzn: it's all about you
TheGirl: and you woyuldnt give me 5 mins to get my personal stuff off your comp
Rizzn: yeah
TheGirl: no its not all aboiut me
TheGirl: I gave you back your things
Rizzn: right
Rizzn: and i'll get your stuff
TheGirl: Id like it now
Rizzn: i just don't see why I should bend over backward s to do it at your request
Rizzn: i'll do it when it's convenient
TheGirl: you were suppossed to bring it by the other night
TheGirl: no [Rizzn]!
TheGirl: thats not the way it works
Rizzn: sure it is
TheGirl: why the hell are you actuing like this?
TheGirl: your actuing like a child
TheGirl: your being selfish
Rizzn: you need
Rizzn: hold on
Rizzn: i have a call
bigPoppaPump: [theGirl]?
TheGirl: yes...
bigPoppaPump: I think that the whole computer out in the rain thing is my fault
bigPoppaPump: I misunderstood what was said
bigPoppaPump: I appologize
TheGirl: k
bigPoppaPump: I do have a question
TheGirl: Im not pissed at you, Im pissed that [Rizzn] is treating me so sh!tily
TheGirl: I dontt feel like I was in the wrong at all
TheGirl: I told him I wanted to see other peopl back in feb
TheGirl: he knew
Rizzn: I treated you like a queen the whole time we went out. and my thanks is that you tell me you are boxed in and seek male companionship in others. Surely you see how I could be hurt by that.
bigPoppaPump: peter said that he did not give you his account info, how did you get it?
Rizzn: we've gon round and round on what you said.
TheGirl: then one of his pals hacks my email and pulls an email that was written to me from a guy Ive been hangin out woith, that I have only kissed once and we break up
Rizzn: I think that you know what I understood, and what you portrayed to me.
TheGirl: peter gave it to me
Rizzn: and was satisfied that I had been placated and somehow was okay with that.
TheGirl: he wrote the DNS numbers out on a piece of paper for me one night
TheGirl: [Rizzn] was there
bigPoppaPump: ok just curious
bigPoppaPump: no biggied
Rizzn: you knew what would happen if you had told me about it.
Rizzn: you knew how I reacted when I learned that dean was staying there.
Rizzn: what in the HELL made you think i'd be ok with you going out with other guys
TheGirl: [Rizzn], I never meant to hurt you, i never thought that you would feel 'betrayed' since I had told you I needed space
TheGirl: I told you "I want to see other people"
Rizzn: needing space does not always equal going out with other people
TheGirl: how could you mistake that?
Rizzn: they are two way different things
TheGirl: I sadi I wanted to see other people
Rizzn: yeah
Rizzn: and I said.
TheGirl: yeah...and?
Rizzn: are you going top
Rizzn: going to
Rizzn: and you said maybe
TheGirl: I said I didnt know
TheGirl: I didnt have anyone in mind at the time
Rizzn: and you said if you do
Rizzn: you would tell me about it.
TheGirl: well sh!t [Rizzn]
Rizzn: and I would take it as a signal it was over
Rizzn: well sh!t what
TheGirl: I hadnt talked to you to tell you
Rizzn: for fscks sake
TheGirl: this all just happend within the past week
Rizzn: i'm online 24 fscking seven
Rizzn: you have all my numbers
Rizzn: you never call
TheGirl: yeah and you barley would talk to me
Rizzn: you never try to contact me
TheGirl: bulklsh!t
TheGirl: I called
Rizzn: mmhmmm
Rizzn: after the fact
Rizzn: and didn't say a word about it
TheGirl: no before
Rizzn: no
Rizzn: i remember clearly
Rizzn: the reason i didn't want to talk to you
TheGirl: no [Rizzn]
Rizzn: was because it disgusted me
Rizzn: i recieved that email last tuesday
Rizzn: you called me wed
TheGirl: nothing happened between me and that guy till last weekend
Rizzn: uh huh
Rizzn: so why was the email written last monday
TheGirl: that email was an innocent email
TheGirl: I hung out with him
TheGirl: he spent the night
TheGirl: we cuddled
Rizzn: you never fscking cuddle with me
TheGirl: we hadnt even kissed
Rizzn: what the dfscking fsck
Rizzn: asdgjk;asdf
Rizzn: jkl;jklasdfjkl
TheGirl: bullsh!t
Rizzn: 'you never want to touch me
Rizzn: you said so yourself
TheGirl: I cuddled with you all the time
Rizzn: we sleep in the same bed and you didn't want me touchin gyou
Rizzn: i'm just not in the mood
Rizzn: blah blah
TheGirl: I didnt want to have sex
Rizzn: you were never in the mood ever since new years
TheGirl: and I STILL HAVENT HAD SEX
Rizzn: well great for you
Rizzn: neither have it
Rizzn: i
TheGirl: no it was when I lost my job
TheGirl: and I was too freaked out
TheGirl: and closed in
Rizzn: the last time we were even close was new years eve
TheGirl: and all that other sh!t you dont give a damn about
TheGirl: I doubt that is true
Rizzn: i did
TheGirl: my bday
Rizzn: i gave a very big damn
TheGirl: your bday
TheGirl: you freaked out on me [Rizzn]!
Rizzn: i bent over backwards to accomidate
Rizzn: and then you tell me no
TheGirl: You started yelling and throwing sh!t around
Rizzn: you know why?
TheGirl: and I was in a ball crying on my couch
Rizzn: because you were shutting me out.
Rizzn: you were basically telling me that I couldn't ever play a meaningful part in your life
Rizzn: because you think I don't know what depressino ies
Rizzn: which is AWFULLY presumtuous of you.
TheGirl: you dont know what I go thru [Rizzn]
Rizzn: just because I don't flaunt it like you do
Rizzn: doesn't mean i don't feel it.
TheGirl: Ive been with you how long?
Rizzn: for about 7 or 8 months.. since sept
TheGirl: AND NEVER HAVE I SEEN YOU DEPPRESSED
Rizzn: bullsh!t
Rizzn: you never see it
Rizzn: because I never display it
Rizzn: you don't know what goes on inside
Rizzn: i dont' tell people about my insides
TheGirl: oh and your pissed
TheGirl: that I dont want to talk about it to you?
Rizzn: every time you shunned me
Rizzn: was a time my heart was being torn out
TheGirl: I never shunned you
Rizzn: because I cared about you
Rizzn: and you wouldn't let me get close
TheGirl: I was ALWAYS there for you
TheGirl: NO MATTER WHAT!
TheGirl: I was always there for you [Rizzn]
TheGirl: ALWAYS
TheGirl: I love you, Ive always been there for you to talk to me about anything
Rizzn: yes.
Rizzn: and I remember the good times
TheGirl: I cant l;et people close
TheGirl: its too much
TheGirl: I cant do it
TheGirl: thats why I have nebver lasted in relationships
Rizzn: How do I respond to that?
TheGirl: I dont know
TheGirl: If I knew then my life wouldnt be so empty and fscked up
bigPoppaPump: how do you expect to see other people if you cant even spend time with someone like [Rizzn] who is dedicated and persistant?
TheGirl: because I dont have to get close to other people
TheGirl: it just helps me along
TheGirl: I feel better I guess
TheGirl: its so much stress trying to be open
TheGirl: and its so much stress trying toi make a relationship work wjhen your not mentaly stable
TheGirl: deppression can really ruin things between people
Rizzn: the stress comes from one party trying to pry the other open
bigPoppaPump: [theGirl] you cant go "along" with life being fake to people
bigPoppaPump: that wont werk
TheGirl: Ive done it this far
bigPoppaPump: for you or anyone that wants to be your friend
TheGirl: [bigPoppaPump]
Rizzn: [theGirl]
TheGirl: I cant waljk thru life being outwardly deppressed
Rizzn: the pushing away is what created the stress
Rizzn: from the very beginnning
bigPoppaPump: the point is, look at the situation that you are in right now
TheGirl: Im actually doing better
TheGirl: not w/o [Rizzn]
TheGirl: but I have a job now
bigPoppaPump: you can avoid that type of thing if you would just be yourself and stop acting like someone you are not
bigPoppaPump: that is good
TheGirl: so its easyer to deal with my deppressijon cause I have a job
TheGirl: oh yeah
TheGirl: then no one would want to be around me
bigPoppaPump: you need to stay away from anything that may depress you but....you need someone to support you, and if you dont have friends to do that then you have nothing
TheGirl: deppressed people suck
TheGirl: I know this
Rizzn: [theGirl]
Rizzn: from the very beginning
Rizzn: I told you I was going to stick by you
TheGirl: I have friends who know and support me
Rizzn: until you pushed me so hard away that I couldn't come back
Rizzn: I had no problems with you being depressed
bigPoppaPump: if you have freinds that support you do they know you for who you are.......or who you pretend to be?
TheGirl: the yelling really freaked me out
TheGirl: I couldnt take it
Rizzn: but your methods of pushing me away, that's what caused this.
bigPoppaPump: the question that I have to ask you is, who are you being true to?
bigPoppaPump: yourself or your heart?
TheGirl: they know how deppressed I get and they get the same way so yeah they know all about me
TheGirl: Im true to me
TheGirl: I know whats wrong with me
bigPoppaPump: obviously not
TheGirl: I know I have a poblem with deppression
bigPoppaPump: cuz you say that you love [Rizzn]
TheGirl: I do
TheGirl: why cant I?
bigPoppaPump: but, how can you love someone that you cant have close to you?
bigPoppaPump: that does not make any sense [theGirl],
TheGirl: thats how I love everyone
TheGirl: my friends my family
TheGirl: thats how I have always loved
TheGirl: from a distance
TheGirl: Its too scary to get close
Rizzn: [theGirl], you have to learn how to trus
Rizzn: trust
bigPoppaPump: yeah but [Rizzn] is not your family or friend
bigPoppaPump: he is your boyfriend
TheGirl: I dont expcet, nor do I want anyone to have to deal woth my emotions
bigPoppaPump: someone that you are supposed to turn to more than anyone else
TheGirl: he cant deal with it
bigPoppaPump: you and he should have such a level that no matter what is going on in each others lives that you can both feel safe in each others arms
TheGirl: he made that very clear one night
bigPoppaPump: I think that he can but you wont let him
Rizzn: no
Rizzn: what was made clear
Rizzn: was that you won't let me deal with it
Rizzn: what i did
TheGirl: no
Rizzn: was out of frustration
TheGirl: you cant
Rizzn: okay
TheGirl: you had your oppertunity
TheGirl: I was letting you in
Rizzn: right
Rizzn: sure
TheGirl: you just couldnt do it
Rizzn: you didn't let me finish a single sentence i started that nighh
Rizzn: and you know it
TheGirl: its very difficult
Rizzn: not a single one
TheGirl: ask your dad
Rizzn: every time I came up with something
Rizzn: you stopped me
TheGirl: he should know
Rizzn: you didn't let me
Rizzn: i don't call that an opportunity
TheGirl: it takes a long time for people to feel safe to talk to others about it
Rizzn: I call that shutting me out.
TheGirl: i were yelling at me
Rizzn: before that even
TheGirl: I couldnt take that
Rizzn: I was as calm as could be
Rizzn: I was sitting next to you to start with
Rizzn: every time I started to speak
Rizzn: you stopped me
Rizzn: you can't understand
TheGirl: when Im deppressed I dont need someone to yell at me I need someone to just stop
TheGirl: and listen to me
Rizzn: yeah
Rizzn: I've tried that
Rizzn: I stop
Rizzn: and I listen
TheGirl: and wait until I ask you something
Rizzn: and then you say
Rizzn: I'm making you feel weird
TheGirl: no
TheGirl: you dont listen
TheGirl: you STARE
TheGirl: and I ask you to say soomething
TheGirl: and you say I dunno
TheGirl: it makes me feel like a freak
Rizzn: I really don't know what to say [theGirl]. I can't control what you feel like. You know I don't think you are a freak. I have understanding of how you feel. I have compassion, and I want to help. I don't know what I can do. I've exhausted all my resources and all my ideas.
TheGirl: I dont know what to say [Rizzn]
Rizzn: I don't know if my decison to break up with you was the right one, but I think it will give us both time to think about our actions, and see what was done wrong. But I need this time.
TheGirl: ok
Rizzn: i'll be right back
Rizzn: i'm going to clock out, my shifts over
TheGirl: k
Rizzn: back
TheGirl: k]
TheGirl: look like I said
Rizzn: sure
Rizzn: oops... wrong window
TheGirl: Im sorry I threw your sh!t in the rain I was super pissed and hurt
TheGirl: I want to make you feel how I felt
Rizzn: heh
Rizzn: well
Rizzn: I was already feeling that way
TheGirl: and thats the only thing I could thnk of doing at the time
Rizzn: Ever since Tuesday
TheGirl: Im sorry , but I never knew you would be hurt by that
TheGirl: I thought we had an understandiing
TheGirl: but thats been beat to death
Rizzn: Yeah, I imagine it has.
TheGirl: Im sorry I feel out of love with you [Rizzn], I neve planned it and like I said I wanted to stay with you and see if I would fall back in love when my life stablized
TheGirl: because I DO LOVE YOU
TheGirl: and thats the truth
TheGirl: if anything I want to stay friends with you
Rizzn: I'm ok with staying friends. If someday the hurt subsides enough, I don't know, there could be a future between us. But it just hurts really too much for me to be around you for a little while.
TheGirl: k
TheGirl: well I guess Ill let you go
Rizzn: alright. I have things to move still tonight.
TheGirl: I have to go to miindspring and oick up nikki she needs a ride home
TheGirl: k
Rizzn: I think peters waitig for me or something
TheGirl: well talk to me anytime you need me
TheGirl: Im here
Rizzn: I'll bring your stuff over this weekend.
TheGirl: k
TheGirl: night
Rizzn: g'night
TheGirl: bye [bigPoppaPump]
Yahoo! Messenger: [theGirl] has left the conference.

---

/rizzn

Quote of the Entry: "Now if you can't find a quote of the entry in any of that crap, you have problems. Actually, let's make it a contest. Send me your faveorite line of BS. I'd like to hear it."

- Rizzn

Racoons know what's up, man, I tell ya!

Dear Diary,

I just noticed that Kelly added all her chronics to her main diary page. And it looks like I'm on the first string! Wee! I am so cool now.

There is nothing going on in my life worth interest anymore.

The hits on my diary are going down down down. I mean really, who wants to read about someone without any problems.

The biggest problem in my life right now is ... hrmm... What side of the bed to get up on.

Had to think about that one for a second.

But really, I bet my readership is going to drop, except for my dear friends that read faithfully, because there is no drama. Which is why I've got to start telling stories of my past. Which was very full of drama. Or start telling superhero stories again.

But for that, my days are going to be monotonous, no stress over whether the Girl is happy, what I did to piss her off again, whether she's cheating on me, none of that. heheh.

Wow, ideal life. I guess. ;-)

You tell me? Would you rather have a stressful but interesting life, or a boring but eventful life?

I think Albert Camus wrote a book about that called the Stranger. I think I'm going to read that again and see what my take is on it.

Sometimes I feel like my life is just a leaf blowing in the wind. I shoot out connections to people, most of them stick and become useful in some form or fashion down the line. Some of the ones I toss the huge ropes out to and tie close to my heart are the ones that strike the hardest at it.

Life at times teaches you very bad lessons. If I were to take everything that Life taught me to heart and into practice I would wind up a very bitter person. I would trust no one.

I mean for real. I wouldn't ever want to date again. Look at my history.

Out of the four major loves I've shot out that huge rope to, only two of them haven't totally screwed me over in a big way, one of them died in a car accident, and one just drifted from me when I was still grasping with all I had.

Throughout it all I still somehow remain able to love.

Maybe I'm just dumb and Life is determined to make me bitter.

But I'm not listening. LA LA LA LA i'm not listening, y'heaR!?!

Why does Life seem intent on making me hate girls? If Life were sitting in my living room I'd ask Life that.

But since Life is only a personification of a process that we all go through, and not an actual entity, I won't get to ask that question, and hopefully Wisdom will some day whisper in my ear what is really going on.

But I think, from what I understand, Wisdom comes with time, and requires it's friend Patience to be hanging around as well.

Oh well. I guess I'm getting all these buddies along the course of time, and perhaps they'll inform me some day what the heck their master plan is.

/rizzn

Quote of the Entry: "Dear Lord, grant me Patience, but please hurry!"

- Some raccoon on a poster that I have at my parents house.

Freon is bad for privates

Guten Morgen, Diary!

I am free!

Yay an all that.

No clouds over me head, no stabbing pains in my heart to what this girl is doing to me. No hurt and pain. I am totally and completely done.

I feel no badness, no weirding in my chest, no pain, no hurt.

She is finished with messing me up in the head. I can get on to bigger and better things in my life.

The way she handled the breakup was indicitive of the entire relationship. Everything was my fault. Did you know that in the conversation last night, she managed to turn the whole thing around on me and blame me for her messing with other guys?

It's my bad, guys, sorry.

Well, already she wants to get back with me. The emails and stuff haven't stopped. She's already apologized for "saying mean stuff" to me last night, but isn't sorry for her actions.

Not like it would make a difference if she was sorry.

I bought comics today. I'm so happy about this thing. I bout only like 30 bucks of comics though, so don't panic anyone I'm not back to spending 80 bucks a pop at the store.

And I'm eating cheese sticks. Which are yummy.

And I took a nap today at work. Which made me feel better.

Plus, I've slacked the whole day, taken about 12 calls.

I'd say all in all today is a success and has the makings for a really great day. I'm really on top of things.

And the best part is my paycheck in no way is going to go to the Girl for rent this month, although undoubtably she will call me and ask for help in a bit with rent.

And I will cheerfully and happily tell her to go do something profane in and demeaning to herself to remind her exactly how I feel about that request.

Really, I did care about her. Still kinda do. But she fscked up, and doesn't realize it, and one day she'll realize where she fscked up and she'll be really sad about it.

But now, I'm moving to Utah so that it'll be legal for me and Kat and Kelly to marry. Kuz that's the plan. ;-)

And my friend Phillip just got done doing the muppet dance for 10 bucks.

I think really work in an insane asylum. Between him and gerald the gay redneck dancing to the sugar plum fairy, i think I've seen it all up here.

/rizzn

Quote of the Entry: "No, don't turn that oxygen bottle upside down, it's got freon in it. No DON't SPray it on your genitals!"

- Peter Black from Madison store 214

It .. is ... finished.

Dear Diary,

It .. is .. finished.

I just got back from theGirl's house.

She never ever wants to see me again. (except to get her stuff back).

I tried to be the adult about it. I tried to say we could still remain friends.

But I needed to get my computer back. If I can't trust her not to go behind my back and find other people to date, how can I trust her not to trash my system when I leave it there another day.

But here's how it went.

I went over to have 'the conversation.'

I sat there silent for a bit. Made some small talk. No physical contact. I was clearly nervous. My foot was bouncing, my hands shaking. But that had started on the way in up the sidewalk.

She had to know what was coming. Which made it no fun. She has had the idea of a break-up in her head for a while now.

But I told her that I knew we had been having problems for a while. The reasons? She had been shutting me out of her life piece by piece.

She offerred no protest.

Long pause.

Then I handed her this email:

Hello Rizzn...

I'm not going to tell you who I am, because I don't want you to be mad at me. But I know you know how to hack email accounts on Hotmail, so you can verify this information for yourself.

But your girlfriend is either cheating on you or is planning on it. That may be the reason you are having problems with her and she's been acting

weird.

You are our friend, Rizzn, you don't need to have this kind of stuff going on in your life. You need to confront her about it.

Check the headers in this email, you will see that it comes from her account.

Anyways, read below and you will see what I am talking about.

- a concerned friend.

Below this email was quoted the love letters that had been sitting in her account, and still sit in her account.

She read it.

She was silent, no visible emotions on her face.

Then she looked up and told me she wasn't cheating on me, but she was seeing other people, I was well aware that we were in an open relationship.

It is true that she told me back in February that we 'ought to date other people.' But she said it was that I should date other people, because she didn't thing I was able to handle her, should be stuck with her. After I assured her that wasn't the case, the issue subsided. You can read my old entries to see exactly what happenned back then. I clearly and accurately documented these things.

As I document everything. I don't have a selective memory. I have an excellent and photographic and audiographic memory. I can remember things for months. Years, even.

We went round and round about whether or not I was aware.

I couldn't see how if she loved me, which she still proclaimed to do, how she could feel the urge to see other people.

However, the only remorse she expressed was that I felt hurt, not for her actions, which she felt were completely justified.

I said to her, put yourself in my shoes, how would you feel.

She was silent for a second, but then her self programming kicked in and she said that she wouldn't feel what I'm feeling, when I was clearly aware of the situation.

Ok.

So I said, well, we can still remain friends if you wish. I haven't disparaged your name in front of my friends, only expressed my hurt. Anyone's feelings about you won't be swayed by what I have said, because anyone's feelings about you were prejudged.

She didn't respond to that.

What do I have here that I need to take.

Just the computer.

So I started to dismantle the computer. The computer which I loaned to her to get a job with, yet she used to meet other friends, and then boyfriends, behind my back. While I was supporting her with every fund I had to my own poverty.

And she asked me to leave the computer there. It had personal diary notes on it. Stuff she didn't want me to read.

I paused and thought about it. But then I thought if I couldn't trust her to not fool around behind my back, how could I trust her not to trash my system in the one day that I left it there overnight.

No way.

So I resumed dismantling it, saying: "You are going to have to trust me, that I won't read it."

As a measure of her trust in me, (which should be placed there, because everytime I made a promise to her, no matter how much I didn't want to follow through, no matter how inconvenient it was for me to do so, I did), she didn't trust me, and went purely ballistic.

And she said I was petty, and vindictive. And that she never wanted to see me again.

And threw all my other stuff (my books my clothes) out into the rainy courtyard.

And I gathered my stuff, put it in my car, and drove home.

/rizzn

International Buttkicking Month

Dear Diary,

I am going over to theGirl's house now. For real this time. I verified that she was there. I'm going over there and for sure going to let her know what's up.

I printed up the emails and prepared a cover story, which I will share with you later tonight on how it went.

Also, in other news, I updated my Whazzup site, with a couple more videos. And a funny comic.

/rizzn

Quote of the Entry: "Yeah. Butt kickin' can be my project for the month of May."

- Super Fast Kel

Midnight Feel-Ups

Dear Diary,

My good friends from Corsicana came over tonight. Gadgits, and Tigger and Gadgits current boyfriend. (I can never remember his name).

They came all the way from there to Dallas to cheer me up. They are true friends. They are the ones that helped me be non homeless when sh!t hit the fan last year. I *heart* my friends in Corsicana.

Yes, it's true, I didn't get to break up with the Girl tonight.

Instead I called a few times, wasn't able to get a hold of her (probably out on a hot date), so I moved some more junk from the old house to the new house.

Gas prices are finally coming down. A little. That's some bunk sh!t I tell you. Prices were like 79 cents a gallon last year this time, now they were up to like a whole dollar more. Now they are coming down to like 1.29 or some crap like that.

They ought to make cars that run on methane. Or BS. Then I'd have a reason to go out with the Girl, because all I get are unending amounts of BullSh!t.

Ha.

Oh, boy anyways, I'm going to bed you guys. You people take it sleazy.

/rizzn

Quote of the Entry: "Aw, Kat cares. No, really, I do! Are you enjoying your new home? Did Crackbaby stop the midnight feel-ups?"

- Tenderpoison

How dissappointing

Dear Diary,

Well, I went over to her house straight from work.

I sat outside in my car for about 15 minutes trying to work up the nerve.

Tick Tock.

Then I got out, waved at the neighbors, and walked down the sidewalk for the last time. I stepped up the last step to her doorway, hesitated for a second, then knocked on her door.

Wait wait wait wait.

No answer.

I walked around the back, no car.

Walked back to my car.

Wrote her a note, stuck it in her mailbox:"You are right, we do need to talk. I'll be at the new apartment. Call me when I can come over."

/rizzn

Quote of the Entry: "Quick: Which sexual problem do men find hardest to discuss? Well, it's not premature ejaculation..."

- Glenn Gordon

I've got a Wocket in my Pocket

Dear Diary,

I'm going over to theGirl's house now.

Wish me luck.

/rizzn

Quote of the Entry: "I used to love her, but then I had to kill her."

- Guns'n'Roses

Ah Think Ahm Sick n I wanna go home.

Dear Diary,

I am unbelievably tired. If I was any more tired, I would be asleep!

Good idea.

zzzz

I mean I'm so tired, I've had 4 cups of coffee and it's not helping. What is this shtuff, decaf or something?

*** much much later ***

I'll admit it. I'm much much dreading this day. Have you ever wanted to have a clone? I do. I wish I had a clone so I could send him to work today, give him a script. Tell him basically that he can sleep thru work, go over to the Girl's house today, break up with her, and I'll give him like 100 bucks or something and a call when he's needed again. Bring the computer by when he's done.

It's going to suck. I've never been the one to break up a relationship before. It really blows.

She sent me a message on AIM when I was out to lunch:

theGirl: are you there? We need to talk [Rizzn]
theGirl: [Rizzn], Im getting offline now. We need to talk today or never again, you make the choice...Ill be home-[theGirl]

Holy snot, don't tempt me like that. There's nothing I like more than non-confrontation.

Time to look at that email again, to remind me why I don't want to be with her.

/rizzn

Quote of the Entry: "And I think I'm sick and I wanna go home."

- 20,000 Light years away, Green Day

Wandering Thoughts

Dear Diary,

By the way, everything that Crackbaby said is true.

Fun night, good night, liberating night.

But for real, we are going to destroy a car. He wasn't just being funny this time. ;-)

This is going to be fun.

We are going to now form a new company. Ninjaco. Ninja Company.

That too, will be fun.

/rizzn

Heroin Bob

Dear Diary,

Everytime I start to falter on my plan to break up with her, I re-read this email I gleaned from her box (which is still sitting there undeleted....)

From: Jonathan (theshiftkey@something.com)
To: theGirl@herdomain.com
Subject: I LIKE [the Girl]
Date: Mon, 3 Apr 2000 23:24:58 -0700 (PDT)

I LIKE [The Girl]
i thought i'd drop u a note since, i was up and thinking
about u. i miss [the Girl]. i cant sleep without you in my
arms. alright well, i'll try and sleep. you'll be in my
dreams. i cant wait to see you this week. i'll catch ya
later and we'll make more plans
peace out -)
punka jon

Kinda makes you want to throw up, doesn't it.

My life is changing direction radically, I'm on a new track to success, I don't need excess baggage. I don't need 500 lbs. weights on my feet.

Things are skyrocketing, changing in such a good way that I cannot even begin to describe. Love life. Existance. Goodness. ;-)

On the goth thing ...

Those of you who live in our metroplex, that being Dallas, know that Plano, our little suburbian neighbor to the north, is like some sort of world capitol for high schoolers od'ing on heroin.

Several twisted, and very wrong anecdotes have adapted from this sordid state of affairs.

One was way back in October, when the Girl, Crackbaby and I were all sitting talking (back when Crackbaby an the Girl still got along, if you can believe that), about what to be for Halloween (I guess to clarify, this was about 2 months after I met the Girl). I can't remember which it was, the Girl or Crackbaby, but one of them had the bright idea to walk around Plano with a tourniquette around their arm, and see how many guns get pulled on them while trick-or-treating.

The other anecdote came tonight as we left Plano, when I was commenting on the high number of goth people that seem to come from Plano.

/rizzn

Quote of the Entry:
"Seems like anyone from Plano our age or younger is either goth or on heroin, " commented Rizzn.

"I suppose the reason that Plano has so many goths is that they are either dying or watching people die of heroin overdoses," responded Crackbaby.

"Yeah, as long as you are in the heroin capital of the world, might as well develop a fetish that matches your surroundings...." said Rizzn.

MCI Math

Dear Diary,

Not a lot of time to talk. I'm moving right now.

I haven't talked to the Girl all weekend. On the upside, I haven't talked to her all weekend, no stress. On the downside.

Wait a second.

Ha! there is no downside!

Well, she'll bitch at me for about 15 minutes when I come over Monday, but ask me if I'm real concerned about that.

She was using Phitt's internet account to get online with, and he called to have the password changed to something containing her name and the word "no." I hope they didn't tell her what the password was when she called in. It might ruin my plan.

Probably won't though. I'm not going to tell you guys the plan yet, because there's some people who could interfere on here, but those that have heard it thought it ingenious. ;-) You guys are going to like it though.

I'm tired, and there's tons of moving to do tonight. But I've been running on low fuel all week, so my body is getting accustomed to that now.

Oh boy, crackbaby's laughing evilly over there.

I've just been informed I'm now dead.

Oh boy.

But he said I could kill him back. ha ha.

We haven't moved the beds yet, those are going to be heavy. I hope I don't hurt myself.

un wnfkush ckass we jakk rhar a vur if firshidiwung.

*grin*

Give Kat a hug. She's down, and she's my friend, so that equals bad. Hugs plus Kat hopefully equals happy Kat which equals good.

/rizzn

Quote of the Entry: "I'm going to pretend I feel great now. Ta ta. "

- tenderpoison

I am Hero

Dear Diary,

I can't believe I'm working so late, this shift blows.

Well, at least I have an excuse for not dealing with the people I don't want to deal with. Or shall I say the person.

My good buddy James from back in the diz-ay gave me a call tonight. He's a wild and cr-razy guy.

I'm supposed to hang out at his house. He's trying to hook me up with some chicks or something and chill out with him and catch up. Prolly gonna be some doja to smoke and a 12 pack of Killian's Irish Red. Awww jeah.

Well, I knew I shouldn't have told Crackbaby about DLAND, now he's more popular than me. *sniff*.

heheh... It's all a popularity contest guys... heheh.

Actually, what he's been posting up there is some funny shite. Read this, mang.

Here I sit, my life's a model kit
But I burned the instructions and the pieces don't fit.
I eat spaghettio's, turn on the stereo
And keep in mind my best case scenario.

I'm without serious doubt, I'm within my constraints

And it just clicked, the things that make me tick
Get thrown against the wall and I keep what sticks,
I wish with all my might, that I had a cause to fight,
But I can't argue with myself on this lonesome night

I'm without serious doub, I'm within my constraints.

I can't complain. Lost less than gained.
STrive for progression
My futile needs are all I feed
It gives me indigestion.

- Priorities Intact, the Impossibles.

Sorry for posting up song lyrics, but really, read them. They are cool.

Next thing you know, I'm going to be doing entries becca style or something. heheh

Oh, and you need to visit Whazzup.org right now, there's a new video on there.

It seems that Cathorsis and I are in the mutual admiration club, too. Wow, it's getting to be a big club.

Hrmm... That's a cool idea for a webpage. Hee hee, and the breakup webpage kelly and I are going to do. (don't have the guts to do it in person? Send them to this website!) heheh

I'm so tired, and miles to go before I sleep.

G'night.

/rizzn

Quote of the Entry: "I know you, you're Kelly's Hero, among other things. "
- cathorsis

Open Season

Dear Diary,

How are you this, hrmm, afternoon, I guess.

I'm good. I have a plan of attack, so to speak. Phillip and I worked it out.

We hung out last night at a Goth Club. Oh my gosh, goth people are so silly sometimes. Maybe it's just the people who hang out at this club. It's just so silly. I can understand the fun of rumors and gossip, but man, they take it to the extreme there.

My roommate was very happy with me because I found someone who can teach him sleight of hand.

Argh. Applications are locking up one by on on my desktop. If this one goes, I'm going to be unhappy.

I think another thing which is making me deal so well with my current situation is the fact that she has been inflicting pain with her antics for so long, me letting go is a relief. Just more left brain analysis of his emotions from Mr. Rizzn.

Bought a copy of 2600 last night. Ha ha, the guy at the record store said that he recognized me, and I said, yeah, I came in here with my girlfriend before, (that's why I wasn't in his computer database, it was registered under her), and he's like, so are you guys still together? I told him no, I plan on breaking up with her on monday, I caught her cheating on me.

Wouldn't that be funny if she went over there this weekend. Save me some trouble. Ho boy.

Her little friend from Houston (the security guard) is moving in this weekend. Actually moved in last night.

I'm wondering when I'm going to open the season on theGirl for you guys, so many of you have written letters and many of my friends have asked me for permission to let her know she was known to be fscking me over, or just play pranks on her. I'm thinking it's Monday. If you want a lisence to hunt theGirl, apply here. I'll give you all the cannon fodder you need. *evil grin*.

I'm not vindictive. I don't care one way or the other. But I don't think I'd mind seeing my friends stick up for me, that's quite flattinering and gratifying. Thanks ;-)

/rizzn

Quote of the Entry: (from the Chat Logs)

theGirl: hey there!
theGirl: [rizzn] whats up with you lately, youve been acting really wierd to me
theGirl: y arent you talking to me?
theGirl: I see that your active [rizzn]! why wont you fucking talk to me?!
Rizzn: I was, uh, on a smoke break.
theGirl: for 45 minutes?!?!

Invitation to the LAN party

> Hello all.

>

> This is Markus here. You may not remember me, it's been so long ;-)

> but I found all the email addresses from the LAN parties we used to

> throw. I don't know how many of these are still active or whatever,

> but consider this an invitation to a LAN party at my house in Dallas

> on the 15th of April.

>

> I know, you'll prolly be doing your taxes that day, but you really

> ought to come down. We're expecting like 30 people minimum at the

> party. If you think you might be interested, let me know, I've got a

> website I can send you the addie for for signup information.

>

> /markus

WhoopAzz Cola, 12 FL OZ (355 mL)

Dear Diary,

WTF is up with this girl?

Now she says she is going to therapy to help her get better, so maybe we'll be able to get along better.

Why does she have to put forth an effort to save the relationship after it's way too late. Why doesn't she just kick me in the head and get it overwith.

She know's somethings going down, because I can't help but act all weird. My feelings for her left in a heartbeat on Tuesday night.

She went out drinking with a couple of her guy friends last night. One of them she admitted to me she used to have a crush on.

I swear, so helpme, ....

... I am showing incredible restraint here.

But I WILL end this thing like an adult. I'm not going to sink to any new lows for me. For sure. I'm not going to do that.

At any rate, I may go to work for Cisco Corporation! Woo! I know that technical recruiters are easily excitable, but I really got this one excited about my qualifications for this particular immediate hire position. Happy happy joy joy!

Plus it's well within my target range as far as pay goes. I'll be more than doubling my current payrate!

On the downside today, I did find out that Phillip is having problems with his girl. He's in the same position that I was in with the Girl about two weeks ago. "We need to go back to dating mode."

Open relationship madness.

Folks, it just ain't right, I tell you. People aren't designed for open relationships, there's this little thing called protectivity and jealosy. Kinda gets in the way.

I'm going to go hang out with him tonight.

/rizzn

Quote of the Entry: "things are so odd."
- skunk_girl

I was going to put a canadian joke here, but i remembered my two most avid readers and dear dland friends are canadian.

Dear Diary,

Words are so powerful.

Ponder that, talk amongst yourselves, I'll test you tomorrow.

At anyrate, I thought springtime was when all the peoples and animules and birds and bees got it on and stuff! So far, all I see this spring is people breaking up! There's that sinnamon and banky thing, me and my sordid little problems, and now one of my good buddies Phillip, I fear, may be also having girl troubles with his beloved of the worst kind, if you know what I mean. He called in this morning and from what I was told didn't sound like he was having that good of a time of it. His relationship started going onto the rocks about a week or so after mine did, if I remember right. I'm afraid I'm going to have to get him drunk and commiserate with him. Do some of that stuff that those of us in the men-only club do. Macho things, like guzzling beer and belching and stuff. Or something. But there's nothing like mind-altering substances to get your mind off of things.

That's what Phillip would say. ;-)

Anyway, that's the big piece of news that I forgot to announce in all my other entries I have done before I have gone to sleep tonight.

It's kinda crazy how much his and my relationships with our girls parallel each other. Weirdness.

Spring is in the air, folks. Watch the fsck out, for the love of John!

/rizzn

Quote of the Entry: "Spot The Cone" isn't a fun game to play indoors, unless it's the spanking version and you want to get spanked a lot."

- Kibo

"così lungamente e ringraziamenti per tutti i pesci"

Dear Diary,

I am not thinking about my problems, I have too much to accomplish.

...

Who am I kidding. Heh. I'm thinking about it, but I'm trying not to.

Everyone writing me today to offer me support, I thank you. Specifically Skunk_Girl, super fast kel, and last but not least Kat.

The lowdown on what happenned. For the rest of you.

I knew things were going rocky for the past few weeks. She was acting suspicious recently, not really suspicious, but things like having a dude move into her apartment that she hadn't met in person before, not wanting me to come over, the whole not wanting me to touch her bit, not to mention the whole her not telling people online she's in a relationship. Things that just hurt a lot and didn't add up.

So I remembered that I had her email password. I know it's kinda despicable to spy on people. But I needed to know if I was being had. (Like everyone was teling me).

Expecting to see something going on between her and her new move in person, I actually saw an email between her and another person that she chats with constantly with references that were quite a bit more than friendly.

They were love letters.

And then there was another one saying that they were going to go out together.

She takes my money (not small chunks, either, we're talking rent money here), she takes my computer, and then uses it to meet other guys? And then she thinks that we don't have a real relationship, we have an open relationship, so it's not cheating.

It's like someone repeatedly is punching me right in the chest. Or is throwing bricks at me.

I found this all out shortly before my really brief post last night. I wanted to puke when I read it.

And she still tries to talk to me like everything is all good. All calling me sweetie, and telling me she loves me and stuff.

It makes me sick to talk to her. It really does. I cannot talk to her without lying thru my teeth right now, because what I want to say is not real nice. And that just makes me feel worse.

I need a while of not talking to her -- which usually isn't a problem for her, except she feels it necesary to talk to me at every instant now.

She has to be feeling guilty, because my man, bigPoppaPump, gave her the guilt trip of a lifetime last night but so subversively that there was no way to tell that was what he was doing. So that's probably why she wants to talk to me last night.

OH and he and Crackbaby decided to tell her that I left the apartment last night all pissed off and didn't come home, I guess to make her feel guilty or paranoid.

I know I've been acting strange to her today when she messaged me and called me because she totally changed my perception of her. I can no longer call her the 'light of my life' or any other cheesey lovey dovey things.

Incredibly, though, I'm not depressed. At all. I mean I feel all weird inside, but usually I'd be in the throes of depression at this point. Perhaps as Skunk Girl said, I'm getting stronger.

Or what I don't want to think is happening is that my heart is getting harder. I'd rather it be the former than the latter.

So my plan is to ignore it this week. I've got too much crap to do. Gotta move my house. gotta go home, it's 8:00pm, my shift is over.

Thanks eveyrone

/rizzn

International connectivity provided by: Lowspeed Solutions, where our motto is: "Be patient you whiney bastich!"

Dear Diary,

I'm an updating fool today.

I am sure that I have things to do but, y'know? I just don't feel like doing them. I feel like sitting here and typing or reading.

So, define trust.

....

Done yet?

Yer wrong! Trust is two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

Sorry, that was horribly crude, but it is still the funniest thing I've heard in forever. Thanks Crackbaby.

And then there is the Huge Assed LAN party we have coming up. If you live in Dallas or the Dallas area, come to it. We are going to fill this apartment up with people.

Because, y'see, we're moving this weekend. And the apartment (theoretically) should be completely butt-slappin' bare-arsed naked with nothing in it. Making lots of room for computer freaks to sit down and play games for a whole weekend. We're calling it WhazzupCon2000: LAN Wars. Go to the page, you'll understand.

Or maybe not. I thought it was funny anyways. But I was kinda sleep deprived when I came up with the idea. So don't go to be tonight then go to my web page. Aight? Cool.

Does this internet connection suck or something, or does everyone have to click on a link about 10 times for it to work? Just wondering.

I'm losing you guys here, I'm getting boring, I know. I guess I'll play a game now. Hey, at least the quote of the entry is usually funny.

/rizzn

Quote of the Entry: "Long day. ASk me about it some time."

- doug

Life is so damn confusing Part II

Dear Diary,

On the upside, though, I did find a $100 bill in my car today.

LOL - life is so damn confusing!!!!

I'm actually laughing out loud here.

/rizzn

Quote of the Entry: "A little tip...before you go meet [him], take ten bucks and get a roll of quarters. Keep the roll of quarters wrapped tightly in your fist just in case you need to wallop him a good one."

- lesson one from Uncle Bob's Self Defense 101 Course

Toyota: oh whatta feelin!

Dear Diary,

Tonight was crazy night. I learned things that I shouldn't have learned, shouldn't have shared, but it helped out that I did, I think.

Disturbing things. Things that I wish weren't true.

And the best part is, the confrontation hasn't happenned yet! Isn't it great!

I don't know how I can handle this tactfully, don't know if I should. I don't know how to react in this situation, it's never happenned. It was bound to. But how do you predict those things?

Oh yeah, ask Crackbaby.

His next prediction is, by the way, that the Japanese Prime Minister is announced dead or brain dead by the end of the week.

(for the record, myGirl is now referred to as theGirl)

Oh yeah, if anyone asks, I was broke down on 35 last night.

/rizzn

Quote of the Entry: (from the Chat Logs)
bigPoppaPump: its not like you are going to cheat on him but.....its kind of unsettling
theGirl: I cant 'cheat' anyways
theGirl: Im in an open relationship with Rizzn
theGirl: we can see other people

(editorial comment: this was news to me)

Good Fscking Bye

Dear Diary,

As far as I'm concerned, she's now my ex-girlfriend.

Sincerely, Rizzn.

An then I sed to come hura to me

Dear Diary....

Remember that children's book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day? Remember Alexeander's solution to his problems? Move to Australia.

Well, I've got a solution to ALL my problems. Well, actually it was Super Fast Kel's idea.

Works for me! Yeah! See ya guys, I'm out. Next update from Canada.

...

Just kidding. I just signed a 6 month lease here. *sigh* No Canada. Maybe sometime after or something. ;-)

Actually last night, I was thinking about something funny about us humans. We stereo-type like crazy.

I realized this when I was laying in bed thinking about who? You guessed it, my Girl. And I was thinking "Man, girls are all nuts. They're crazy in the head." and "I wonder if there's a girl out there who's not crazy."

I've heard it before from others. "Men suck." "Women are nuts." or "I'll never figure out [insert gender here]."

Then I realized that not everyone fits into the same basic molds. I mean, we all have a lot in common on the inside, but we can't stereotype 2.6billion people together when we come into contact with one person of that gender.

Just a thought.

/rizzn

Quote of the Entry: "Rizzn, move to Canada and marry Kat and I. *L* There. I just solved your problem:)"

- super fast kel

I need a wide open space, I'm fallin ....

Dear Diary,

I should be in bed. So I'll keep it short and sweet. Well, short anyways. ;-)

Today, I got up, worried about my Girl. After calling her and searching for her online, I put it out of my head. I was awoken shortly before by a call from Vesper, calling for Crackbaby. We needed to do some special hacking work or something for her. I'll let her go into the details on her diary, because it's mainly her issue how much she wants to say about it.

Then after that, I bought some cigarettes, came home, dicked around, opened up a new computer. But it's just a 286, not the 486 as promised, so no Linux fileserver for me. We sat around and played the old games and opened up the old applications and the four of us roommates had a shared moment as we remembered our glory days on the ol' bbs's. The epitomy of our nerd-dom.

Those were the days.

If I could sum up this weekend in a few words, it would be nostalgic and worriesome. Worrisome because of who? You guessed it, my girl, but aside, it was nostalgic because of the recapping of our glory days and battle scars of our life we re-counted over the weekend.

For a moment I was sorry to see the house lose ol' Beeman/Solo_exceptional (Crackbaby calls him beeman, I refer to him as solo_exceptional). He too had glory days that he had been holding out on us with the stories. Ahh yes.

(moments later, as Rizzn comes out of his reverie)

If someone begs me, I will tell the stories of those days. Crackbaby might too. I look back on those days fondly, I don't know if he does, but I suspect so, in certain aspects at least.

I am so weary right now. Not just a sleepy wearieness, but an all around oldness feeling not befitting someone of his spry 21 years of age.

hehe... I said spry. Spring chicken.

heheh inside joke between me and someone who I will never see again, most likely. oh no I better stop it before I think fondly of those days too.

I'm thinking of posting up a Character's list of people who play the day to day roles in my life so that you guys will get the general overall picture of who I deal with on a day to day basis. I talk to you, diary, like you already know everyone, and you do to a certain extent, but you may not remember everyone that I'm talking about.

Plus I think that almost everyone in my life is a valuable addition and is worthy of note. I'm glad that I have known everyone that exists in my life right now. Crackbaby, Phitt, even my Girl, tho we have problems currently. Solo_exceptional, vesper, Phillip, not to even get started on all of my dland friends. Everyone is valuable to me. Everyone has helped me in ways that they don't even know.

I always go on inner reserves of strength, and I'm usually good at withstanding tonnes and tonnes of things and not breaking but lately, my friends and acquantances have been there for me, offering me support in ways they never have before, and I have just now realized how grateful I am for that.

And here I am getting all mushy about it.

Well, at least it was sweet. Not short though. Sorry bout that. heheh

So, in conclusion, my friends rule. Everyone congratulate themselves in their favorite way for being my friend as a way of my saying thanks. Now! Quickly, before you forget! Yeah!

Here's a link to my special friend Kat and Super Fast Kel who have been giving me links galore for no special reason lately which I certainly appreciate!

/rizzn

Quote of the Entry: "So, does the King of Insidemypants have any subjects under his jurisdiction, or does he rule on his own?" asked Rizzn foolishly.

"Sure he has subjects. Two that I can name off the top of my head..." answered Crackbaby.

"Uhhh..." uhhed Rizzn

Cuz I'm ramblin, ramble ramble ra-ah-ahmble. I'm just a ramblin' guy, oh yah!

Dear Diary...

What a lazy lazeee day.

I just woke up a few minutes ago. I vaguely remember a fone call early this morning that should have woken me up, but it didn't.

My roomies and I stayed up last night on Confusion (dxm) talking about our pasts. Real bonding experience. And we watched the Labyrinth. Been a while since I seen that.

My heart is tired. My mind is everywhere. I am weary, and need solace.

Blah blah blah yackity schmackity. Don't wanna get to serious on you.

I'm going to do someones HTML layout today and tomorrow. I'll announce it when I get a thing for everyone to see, because her site will kick buttocks!

At any rate, I need to make a run to the store. I'll probably be on later, my friends. Over and out.

/rizzn

Quote of the Entry: "March drags on and on, like the last episode of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. It should have ended days ago, and yet it seems that there's still some juice left in it. Amazing how that happens."

- freeproton

H4x0r 3l337!!

Dear Diary....

I love hacking.

Note to the wise: don't mess with a hacker.

Hacking is so fun. Like my friend Splork said: "My computer is my only link to the outside world."

My reply was "Everyone else's computer is my portal to their inside world."

Don't worry tho, my friends. I don't plan to penetrate your computers. You only do that to people who you don't like. I like you guys.

That's a thing. Sometimes when you tell friends that you are a hacker, they get all scared and don't and tippey toe around you. Don't wanna piss off the hacker!

I value my friends, and hack my enemies. That's how it goes.

Hacking is my weapon, it doesn't hurt them, just gives me information. I'm never destructive when I hack, what good is that? Woo, I formatted someones hard drive! I'm 10 years old! Yay!

No insult to 10 year olds out there, but why would you do that? All they do is either fix it themselves, or take it to a technician and get it repaired, and get back online. Sure it may piss them off, but great. What I enjoy is reading the personal information that they put on their puters. Fuel for the fire! If you don't like someone, and you want to protect yourself from them, gain their information, and they are at your mercy.

It doesn't even matter if you do anything with that information. Just the satisfaction of knowing they are at your mercy, puts whatever relationship you have with them in a new light. You have them under your thumb. They mess up, or mess with you, just apply pressure. You have no trouble from them again, and problem eliminated.

Hackers have the power. To eliminate stress from their lives! heheh

Sorry guys, I'm just power tripping right now, forgive me. Hacking will do that to you. ;-)

BY THE WAY... happy April Fools day!

/rizzn

Quote of the Entry: "What the fuck is wonderful about me? I don't have any supernatural powers (that I know of), or posess that power to heal. I think I am just confused.

- splork

(sounds like someone needs to become a superhero!)