MAS: Quantum Leap pt I

Dear Diary,

I made the device, yay!

Remember that conversation I told you about in the diary about being someone else for a day?

I made this device based off this show called Quantum Leap. Maybe you've heard of it. Well, it lets you go into other people's bodies.

Well, I programmed it with the members of the Mutual Admiration Society and my dna.

Then i turned it on.

But nothing happenned.

So I guess I'm going to sleep now.

next

/rizzn

Quote of the Entry: "I had a throat swab, yum, and tomoro I get to go back for blood tests. Woo! I love blood tests."

- kelly

Mutual Admiration Society

dear diary,

what to talk about what to talk about.

well, the deal with my business are going good. the web hosting deal looks like it will happen. phitt announced that he will now seek the money needed to invest in it, and all that reamains is to get the ball rolling in that department.

oh yes, the secret i was going to tell you about today.

bet you thought i forgot about that didn't you.

nope.

okay. starting tomorrow i'm going to have a guest diarists here, as is kelly, kat, doug and crackbaby.

check it out here: Mutual Admiration Society

During the next few days we are going to write in each other's diaries. it should be fun. hopefully all will go as planned.

well, i'm all out of words, i'm going to see if phitt's up to making some music, and we'll see where that leads.

/rizzn

Anatomy of a Diary

Dear Diary,

I have a secret. I ain't gonna tell you till monday though. I think I'll tell you. We'll just have to see. Depends on if you behave good between now and then, as my mom used to say. Probably still says it too.

Well, I'm pretty much back to the same ol' Rizzn. Forgotten about last night, or at least buried it some. I'm not going to think about it till I'm ready to deal with it I guess. I dunno. That's bad. But most people seem to say don't worry about it.

The person I would most like to ask would be my dad, but I don't think he'd quite be objective about the situation. Considering he doesn't know the whole story. He doesn't even know I was homeless for a month or so.

I've noticed how diaries seem to go thru an evolution and eventual de-evolution. Or maybe it's not really an evolution proccess. It's more like a cycle.

Let me describe it for you. (you knew I would)

It all starts out with this fateful entry, entry number one. Sometimes the diary is still password protected, but usually the content is always the same.

Dear Diary...

I just found this neat little thing from (so and so). I really should keep a journal (lists positive benefits here), although I'm undecided as to whether it should be public or private. We'll just have to see.

signed, Kootyr

Then, eventually, all the diaries that I read and know obviously eventually became public, so there's the obligatory next entry about:

Dear Diary,

Well, for better or for worse, it's going to be a public diary ...

The entries in this stage of development are usually two paragraphs long, probably four sentences a paragraph. They document what happenned that day, and really don't talk about much of importance. Usually.

Then you get to another stage where they develop the sence of an audience. And then the writer tries to be funny and muse about the fact that he/she will not be able to be truly honest since he/she accidentally without thinking told some of his/her friends about the site.

Then there's the stage where the diary writer starts to just not care and writes about what he/she is actually thinking/feeling. Probably by about this time the writer has accumulated quite an audience. Or at least a small base of loyal readers.

These two stages have fairly well developed writing in them, assuming the writer is capable. Longer paragraphs, more of them.

Then, likely what will happen is a dramatic event in the writer's life will occur. If the writer has a hit counter, he/she will notice an immense surge in readership. He/she will chronicle the event in it's entirety, the more earthshattering, the more people read it. He/she will probably gain some loyal readers out of this event as well.

At some point or another, the dramatic event will come to a conclusion, and readers will no longer be on the edges of their seats wanting to hear the next update in the saga. But a few new hardcore readers and the old faithfuls will likely stay.

Then the degeneration begins. The writer reverts to the first stage, except in a different form. The content will contain stuff about the goings on of day to day life. But the format will be one line paragarphs. Basically, a stripped down version of journalistic style of writing.

This is the most perilous time in the life of a diary. I have seen more than one diary die in many stages, but this is the most likely place for a diary to die. (not that they can't be revived afterwards -- a diary never really dies, it's a drug, it just goes into remission)

And then the cycle can begin again.

I'm not saying everyone goes thru this exact cylce, but it's common enough. Some people stay in certain stages longer than others. But it's pretty much standard.

I had other things to talk about too, but I'll save that for another entry.

/rizzn

Quote of the Entry: (from the Chat Logs)

RznDoUrdn: it has been raining alll day
KellyIsMad: Big mother thunderstorm here and the sky is green. I think I'm gonna log off before lightening fries another modem.
KellyIsMad has left the room.
TenderPoison17: Hello my little tonto. I apologize, but I have to go meditate and hope there's no freaky 22 year old there tonight.
TenderPoison17 has left the room.
RznDoUrdn: sigh
RznDoUrdn: left me all by meself.
RznDoUrdn: and i'm talking to myself.
RznDoUrdn: fabulous.

undying hatred or something poetic like that

Dear Diary,

You probably won't understand fully this entry, except those of you who I've given the priveldge of knowing some of my sordid past. But I'm going to rant about today because I need to. I need to sort some things out and get some stuff off my chest.

*settles comfortably in his chair*

I think I have issues.

Well, who doesn'

but I think I have some issues that I wasn't aware of previously that i need to work thru.

It deals with ta certain bitch from my past who I had the unfortunate encounter with today. nothing bad happenned, just it triggered a gut reaction in me and i didn't like the feeling.

i'm not talking about TheGirl. it's another girl who i wanted never to ever see again, much less have her invited into my home.

i had some friends from the hometown over today, and somehow a bunch of other friends from the hometown came in to visit as well, and i really like all of them in a brotherly sort of way from way back. But one of them is now *with* that bitch and he brought her along. as soon as i saw her walk in the door, my chest grew tight, i was unable to think clearly, and i was literally seeing red.

this isn't the pissed off maddness that you get that makes you want to smoke like a chimney and walk it off and stuff. this is the pissed off you get that makes you want to kill someone with your own hands. or just turn into some crazy sort of monster you see in spawn and kill the object of your hatred. this is pure raw hatred.

i am very disturbed that i still let that affect me and i still react that way to just the presence of someone. it's like an evil filled the room and only i was affected.

we didn't speak to one another for quite a bit. i was acting busy and just pretending to be anti-social to everyone.

but eventually she got around to greeting me and acted all chipper like nothing ever happenned between us. like she never really ruined my life. never ruined the life of my friends twice.

but everyone seems to get over it. cept crackbaby. he's just walked in and announced that he hates that bitch. hrmm.

at any rate... temporarily lost my train of thought there due to interruption.

but this event disturbs me on several levels.

those that know me in real life know that i am probably the most forgiving person in the entire world. to my own detriment, even.

but i forgive and i forget. almost always.

but i don't know if i'm able to let this go. i know for a fact that i can't ever trust her ever again. i mean it's just something i can't do, she's proven herself untrustworthy over and over again.

but forgiveness should be something seperate from that. shouldn't it?

i never will ever put her in a position of trust with me again. and if she fucks over any of my friends again that know better, that's shame on them.

but she wasn't in a position of trust with me tonight, she was just meeting with some friend in my domain. and just her mere sight, her mere presence caused me to be this way.

how do i let it go? how do i make it so this monster is not in my essence anymore?

it's not a feeling that can be manufactured either. it's something that only happens when i see her. i get similar feelings of righteous indignation occasionally when someone besmirches my name. but i don't get the feeling of hatred ever.

no one has ever done to me what she did, either.

of course i've given no one the opportunity since then. i've offerred no one the trust zone to fuck me over like that. no one has fit the bill. i've never offerred anyone that opportunity.

at first because i wasn't able to. i wasn't able to allow myself to be that close to anyone. i just couldn't do it, i was just too fearful.

then time wore away the edges, and as i put more and more miles and layers of life between me and her, i simply forgot my hatred and sorrow for my actions and the whole deal, except in the abstract sense of the situation.

i heard stories of her, and how she was throwing her life away.

then she came back to her man, my buddie, a former roomate, and left him after she fucked him over, then he took her back in *again*.

she was in my apartment a couple weekends ago.

but i wasn't here.

then she was in my apartment today.

and i was here.

then i left and the moster came in my place. I seriously had problems functioning at that point. i really hated so much it hurt. it was a gut reaction.

so i had to leave and get my mind off it.

my question to you is, what do i do to get rid of the anger? the hatred? do i bother? is it going to prevent me from being normal?

i really don't know what to do here. I always have sage advice for my compadres in dire situations, but for this i have no response. i never expected this of all things to leave the deepest scar on my essence.

because that's really what this is. this is a wound that has yet to heal in over 2 years. and seeing her was putting a pound of salt in it.

wounds that don't heal are bad for you. it can get you poisoned or something. infected.

and if this wound has been festering for this long, it must be bad for me, right? i mean i'm all for jokingly have a 2kill list of people that have wronged you in the past, but this bitch has an entire 2kill list all her own -- she's the only one if i had one person to kill in this world.

i am going to contemplate this some and maybe consult some others, someone out there give me some ideas. you guys know how to get me and for others, there is the email button.

i hope you don't mind me peeling away the layers of rizzn here this is just something i needed to vent about.

/rizzn

The Red Pill or the Blue Pill?

Dear Diary,

Updated the look a little bit.

Thought I was in jail again, didn't you. Come on, be honest. That's probably what you thought.

But no. Not in jail right now. heh.

I am up all alone at my house again. I just watched The Matrix. Can you tell that is the inspiration for the new look?

I've seen the Matrix a hundred times, and I can never get tired of that movie. Something about it stimlates the brain. Overstimulates, even. Not to the point of brain shutdown, though.

Okay, maybe the first time, yes, but now, as with every time, when I watch it, the mind reels at the possibilities that the inspiration can take me, which directinon to choose, and I ride the closest one and continue on until the wave takes me no further.

I tried to update earlier this week a couple times, but the computer ate my entries. I know, likely story, but it's true, Kelly will back me up, she was online when my computer burped as it gobbled the entry.

At any rate, still cashless currently. (accepting donations).

Got a couple other good money making leads that should pan out early next week, like on Monday, so we'll see how that goes.

I'm out like a light that just got shot by your first bb gun.

/rizzn

Quote of the Entry: "speaking of yummy, i went to this vietnamese place for chicken soup at lunch which was yummy im my tummy."

- reality

Fun Musings

Dear Diary,

Blah blah blah what a blah day.

At any rate, I was making a couple observations.

I like to drive, and I like to ride. In cars. It stimulates the thought process. I don't think about driving and I don't think about riding, my mind wanders.

'Cept it doesn't work on road trips, on those I just want to sleep.

I also like to sleep a lot. I would sleep forever if I could. I just got out of bed today because I felt guilty somehow for wasting the day after being in bed for 13 hours. In retrospect I shoulda stayed, I'm the only one here by myself and just peforming my daily mental masturbation techniques.

Blah blah blah.

I also think I'm going on some sort of identity crisis.

But that's another thing I dont' want to get into right now.

I want to be productive. I do. My conscience tells me I need to be productive in some way. I just somehow am unable to be it. I'll work on that.

My parents are thick as bricks on what they want for my life. My biggest mistakes since I've moved out .. the ones that have gotten me in the biggest trouble .. have been relying on them.

I relied on them when they told me they were sending me $1500 bucks to get out of debt. They told me that because I wasn't following God's will for my life (read that as "their will for my life") I was foolish to expect that money.

No more. My parents are going to hear no more from me about my life. They seem intent on pushing me away. And just when I'm the most pissed off at them and I'm in a rough spot of life, they act all lovey come home and we'll take care of you, I come home, spend some quality time, they give me some money and promise me some of the money they've borrowed from me or want to give me a large bit of money and then I count on their promise of money and it gets me in another rough spot and they leave me high and dry. I will never learn.

I guess it's because you kinda have this spot in you that wants to let you trust your parents. And when they go screwing with you like that, you just let it go because they are your parents. But my parents haven't changed, they still want to mold me long after the molding time is past for my life.

Blah blah blah.

I'm such an idiot for counting on that money. I can not stop kicking myself for counting on that.

My entire life I've been poor. My whole life. Ever since I moved out, I've either been too generous with my lending or I've spent my money foolishly or something. And I always end up living paycheck to paycheck.

Gosh my life sucks in that respect.

I want to stop that cycle from repeating, but I know I never will. I know I will always be to big hearted to stop myself from giving out money to people who ask for it.

Oh well.

i'm out

/rizzn

when you aren't me

Dear Diary,

I now know why Roseanne's talk show is on at 1:30am in the morning. I just watched her talk with this dude for 5 minutes about Groucho Marx's tooth. What I can't figure out is why she's on the air at all with a talk show.

She wears a queen's crown for goodness sake. Who the heck does that?

I also just converted to mp3 a really neat remixed version of a song from the game Xenogears.

It's so good it almost brings a tear to they eye.

No one is online tonight, it's so lonely at 1:46am this morning.

Tomorrow night I am going to see Bad Company dj at a rave in Houston.

I am just now getting a little worried about my personal cash flow. So far I've survived a couple months on a few hundred dollars. I've made a couple wise investments that kept me alive for a while, and paid my rent. But after my rent money is gone, that's it. I'm broke.

I think that I am going to do some music. I'm almost in the mood to make some good music.

I hope it turns out good.

I don't feel like me right now. I wonder what that's all about.

/rizzn

Quote of the Entry: "Eyyyuuuucch. I feel like ass. "

- action_grrl