Rizzn - Captain of Team Wank

Dear DiaRy,

I'm feeling much better now, after pouring my heart out. Girl is behaving not much different, still not returning my I love you's, so I'm going to stop altogether, and wait for her to say it. I'm going to try not to be pathetic and just pray that she doesn't leave me, because no matter how stoic I pretend in my head that I am, I know I'm just as fragile as the next guy.

My problem is I don't realize I have emotions unless they are about to take a huge swing, and usually for the worse.

But I feel much less sad now. I spoke with Reality right after I posted my entry, and Kel sent me an encouraging note this morning, and I also emailed someone else from diaryland about some questions I had in the relationship and about my girl, and he provided good advice. I'm glad to have the support of friends. Diaryland rules.

And I indulged myself over lunch break and bought about 20 bucks of misc. Batman comics, so I should have something to occupy meself for the rest of the day.

That's a good thing to do as long as you have the money, whenever you are having relationship problems. Indulge yourself in a small way. It helps take your mind off it a while.

Of course, your reading the diary entry here of the King of Mental Masturbation, so getting my mind off things shouldn't be a big issue for me.

Anyways, to the comics. You can still email me if you have more comments.

/rizzn

rizzn sings the blues

Dear Diary...

Well, this is going to be a semi-personal entry, so if you know me in RL, I respectfully ask that you skip this entry.

Well, I'm sure you all are dying to hear about what happened last night between me and my girlfriend. Well, I'll talk about it.

The short version is that our relationship has the potential to hit the decline at this point if the situation is not carefully monitored and watched. And it's my fault that it happened, sortof, but I had no way of knowing my actions at the time were anything but beneficial.

Like I mentioned, what she was mad about was the fact that I had gone back to sleep Saturday when she came over and announced that she did in fact have walking pneumonia. Now personally she should know that I'm one of the hardest people in the world to wake up and I wish that she had tried harder to rouse me because I had only had a couple hours sleep that night.

Instead, what that did was set off her depressive tendencies and induce her not to call me until she got un-depressed. After that she had gone back to the doctor's office and then headed off to a girl friend of her's in Denton and hid out there. And was there wallowing in how insensitive I was and how things in her life were going to sh!t.

Saturday I was concerned, but not distraught when I couldn't find her, Sunday I was worried, but not stressed when I hadn't heard from her. Monday, I was an all-out wreck. So I called everyone I could. Among these, I called her mom, and sister-in-law. When the did, in fact, get in contact with her, they bitched her out. Which, in turn, made me look real real bad.

So what went wrong here other than me coming out looking bad? She feels boxed in. She feels trapped. She tells me that she loves me very very much, and all that, which was somewhat comforting to hear.

But the disturbing part was to hear that she wants to take a step back, and that perhaps we were moving too fast. She doesn't want to be pegged down at age 21 to anyone, even if it is the right guy. She's afraid that she will do something that would endanger our relationship because of her immaturity.

They are very mature concerns to have, but it hurt to hear her say them because I can never imagine being unfaithful in the slightest. Already there is a lump forming in my throat thinking about it.

The think I kick meself repeatedly in the head over is what induced her feeling of trapedness -- the fact that her mom called and b!tched her out because she didn't tell her boyfriend where she was for 3 days. Why o why did I have to do that?

I asked her exactly what would the step back entail. She said that she just wants more of her old life back. Partying and meeting new people.

Ouch.

Clarify, I say. Meeting new people as in friends, or meeting new people as in meeting other prospects?

I don't know, she replies.

Wow. My mind is totally blown. Is she setting me up for a breakup? What the heck!?! How can you not know? Do you not love me? No I love you, she says, I don't want to break up, although this is probably what you want. No way, Girl, you are going to have to try much harder than that if you want me to break up with you. I'm not trying to make you break up with me.

Silence.

Thought. Deep thought.

Crying inside. Unable to cry outside. Shock, disbelief.

This step back thing, perhaps it's just a passing thought since it was just thought of yesterday. She still expresses love and appreciation for me. I'm going to give it a few days. I'm also probably going home this weekend and going to talk to my dad the shrink about my relationship with her and her depression problem to see if there is anything I can do to assist her either come out of it or deal with it better.

Mungleford (probably diaryland's most vocal speaker on depression, and someone which has my admiration) once said that "...nobody applauds you for not jumping off a bridge when the chemicals inside your own head lead you to think that that would be a good thing to do..."

(read this entry, it's really a really good one; but when are his entries not really good?)

He's right about that. But what can you do without bordering on the cheesey for someone that's depressed. I'm not the best person in the world for listening to depressed people without making them feel weird, although last night my rating on that job was higher than past times, according to her. Can anyone advise me what I should be doing? I'm totally baffled.

I have no intentions of releasing her to the jackals of the world, not being exclusive, while maintaining any kind of relationship. I didn't sign up for a polygamous relationship, which is not what she's after, I know. But she can't see the difference between me giving her space and giving her the option to flirt with other people.

God, please give me strength.

Well, I'm out of words for now, and I really should be doing my job for a change, so I'm going to sign off. Any feedback would be appreciated.

over and out - rizzn

depressed rizzn

Dear Diary....

Well, I'm feeling a little less distressed... I got news that she has been heard from since I talked to her, but it's still disturbing me that she hasn't called me. I mean she is the love of my life, why is she not calling.

She said hi to her apartment manager at 1:00 on Saturday, and she was leaving the complex in her car. Don't know where to, that trip is a mystery.

She talked to her roomate on Sunday at 3:00, called from the doctor's office, said she had been staying at home. Which is odd, because I called hourly and it just rang thru. But perhaps she was resting and had the ringer turned off.

I feel like such a stalker, but for goodness sake, it's my girlfriend, I'm entitled to know where she at least is, I'm concerned for her safety and well being. I love her.

----

20 Minutes Later

----

I'm a little winded, I just got done smoking three cigarettes pacing the courtyard trying to blow off some steam. I'm going to have to leave work early, because I cannot function like this. I'm going to snap on someone.

Things are worse than previously imagined, if that's possible. She finally called me, she is really pissed off.

She does have walking pneumonia, she's been hiding out at a friend's house in Denton. She said she needed time away from everyone. She was mad at me for going back to sleep when she came over that day, she was mad at me for looking for her, she was mad at me for calling her mom and brother, she was mad at me for a lot of things, apparently. Apparently I'm a bad boyfriend. It makes me sad.

I tried to smooth things over with her. And I told her I loved her, and she didn't respond. She just said "I don't feel like being nice right now." She hasn't said I love you to me on her own in a while.

She said she's coming over to the apartment tonight. I think she's going to break up with me. God please no. I hope not. I love her more than anything else in this world, and I don't want her to go away. I would do anything for her, I would die for her, and she maybe wanting to break up with me, this isn't fair. Please pray for me, I hope that she isn't wanting to break up with me.

Oh and I had such a wonderful evening planned for her tonight, being valentines day and all that crap. Why o why.

I'm just wallowing now. And I don't even know if she's breaking up with me.

I'm going to buy flowers on the way home and hope for the best.

dying inide - rizzn

Where?

Dear diary...

I am really distraught right now. I'm truly freaking out. My girlfriend is MIA. For real. No one has heard from her in a couple days. I was supposed to meet her Saturday afternoon at lunch, but she came over to my house when I was still asleep at 11 and said she had pneumonia or however the fsck you spell it. And then left. I haven't seen her since.

Crackbaby my roomate has been freaking me out with bullsh!t theories on how she's trying to break up with me. I don't buy it but it eats at my head. I'm going to be seriously fubar'ed in the head if that is the case.

This is the second time she's done this to me. One night last week she took my car and I didn't hear from her all night. But that was an easily explainable accident. This is weird. Is she in a hospital, at her brother's, at her house? No one knows. I can't get a hold of her at her house, been calling once an hour all weekend, wasn't at work all weekend, I assume, I didn't have her extension there. I have it now, only I got her voicemail, not her.

I'm calling her VM back now, I'm going to take a long lunch and hunt her down around the metroplex, going places where she could be.

Got her VM again.

Dear God please let her be ok.

Rizzn=Snot Factory

Dear Diary,

Warning, warning, danger will robinson. Girlfriend not happy.

Just got Yahoo Instant messenger up today, forgot i didn't activate it this morning, saw this message from girlfriend on there: "Hey... why did you never call me back last night? It fels like your not happy, is there something I should know about? Im freakin so let me know ok? I miss you. Love."

Well, it's easily explainable why I'm not happy lately, I'm frickin' miserably sick. And I didn't call you back because two of my dumb roommates tied up the fone for the entire evening.. and well, maybe this falls in line with my conspiracy theory for all chicks trying to eek something really good out of the guys for VD Day.

Heh. Where do you think I earned the reputation of being a wack-o? heh.

Welp, it appears my diary has been discovered. If it rapidly disappears, all you regular viewers may be notified if I have your e-mail what the new one will be, but I noticed in the logs that someone from my hometown on my old ISP is viewing this page. I know I'm paranoid, but the odds are not that good that it's someone I don't know. My old hometown is not that big.

Damn I'm a snot factory today. Boys and girls, never, and I do mean never, get strep throat. It sucks canal water.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I have a cool reaction to one of the prescription drugs I take. I turn into a leopard every 30 minutes. Those steroids they gave me make me rash up and get all itchy, and then it'll go away for a while.

Unless I mentioned it yesterday, which means that there are actually two side effects, one being memory loss, the other being leopard man.

I'm typing thru a haze right now, my eyes are welling up with prescription induced haze.

The girls from Corsicana are coming over tomorrow, which is cool.

Oh yeah, forgot to tell you about this fubar'ed thing that happenned last night. Phitt and friends and I went out to eat at some cool 50's looking restaurant, like a burger joint or something, and city cop followed us all the way back to the house. He stationed himself directly outside our porch for two hours and watched us watching him. He finally left after that. But he was riding our tails all the way back. I am kinda wondering what it's about. I don't do too many things that attract local legal attention.

Fun stuff.

/rizzn

(Long Assed) Quote of the Entry: "During dinner last night, I suddenly realised (for about the millionth time, but I always forget again) that my roommates don't understand sarcasm... Elaine left the table to go get some soy sauce for her rice, and when she came back to the table she said 'Ew, those guys at that table over there said 'mmm mmm mmm, I gotta get me some of that' when I walked by..' ...slight pause... And I say 'Well, yeah, because you were carrying the soy sauce...' *rimshot* And let me tell you, there was no reaction. Zip.Zero. Zilch. I mean, yeah, I know it was a lame joke and all, but I always put stuff like that in the 'its so bad, its good' category... Oh well. At least *I* laughed. ;)"

"Email me and tell me what a comedic genius I am. "

- action_grrl

Spiderman, Spiderman, doin' the things a spider can.

Dear Diary.

Why doesn't IMOOD have a setting for when you feel like ASS? I guess I should suggest it. For I feel like ass today. My dumb roomate crackbaby made me stay up way late last night because he wanted me to go get cigs with him at 2:30 am, and I'm sick, and need sleep, and hafta be at work at 8:00am. And he goes to work at 4:00pm. Fuggin loser.

The general consensus is that men suck today. It's what I'm hearing. Reality had the last word on this one, she thinks her boyfriend scratched her car with his truck, and he was acting suspicious about it. Kim, the girl from the next cube over just got kicked out of her house that she has with her boyfriend of a couple years, and a couple other people online were telling me about their romance problems with dudes. All so close to Valentines Day. I guess they think they can just fugg it all up and make it up on Monday.

I wonder if I secretly pissed of my girlfriend. Or here's a conspiracy theory. What if all the chicks in the world are just feigning pissed-offedness so that their respective significant others will go that extra mile Monday to make them feel better.

The dude from across the hallway has decided that we must have been extremely bad people in a past life to deserve the work environment we work in now. If I believed in re-incarnation, I'd hafta agree that I was Ghengis Khan. Or his lawyer. Now that must have been one scummy individual. Heh.

There you go. This is a new party game. Think of the worst people in the world and then think of how bad they were, and then think of how evil their lawyer would have to be.

Okay. I'm going to go cash my check now, it's lunch time.

I'll write more later, I guess.

/rizzn

Quote of the Entry: "[Valentines Day:] Just like New Year's, only this time it's personal. " - mysteria

The Face of Erectile Dysfunction

Dear Diary,

I'm back to normal. Hey stop laffing. What I mean to say is I'm back at work, *grumble grumble*, not lazing around in bed with strep throat sickness.

It started Friday with a throat clogging up, and me not waking up until 2pm. it continued all weekend. Sunday I had to go to the emergency room cuz I had a really high temperature.

Why are all these people around here so chipper and happy. They should be sick and miserable like me.

Monday thru Friday I laid around and played 'The Sims', the next best game in the world from the best software company in the world, Maxis.

My CD goes into post-production tonight. We'll see how that goes. It'll probably go back into production or some sort of stage of refinement afterwards, but we are going to take a shot at post production starting tonight. No one has emailed me any suggestions for a group or cd title name yet. I'll give the person who names it and it gets chosen a free cd or something, or I'll make a song in your honor on the cd. your choice.

I spent the entire day today in a feel-good seminar. It was all about how to do my job, like I haven't figured it out by the time I've spent 7 months here. And then at the end it's the whole spiele about how important we as tech heads are, and we should feel so important and we are like little Mother Theresa's (those are the actual words). It was pathetic.

I could have gone straight home after the seminar, but I came back so I could finish this diary entry and turn in my sick notes so I could get paid. So feel special, because you are 50% of the reason I'm spending extra time in my grey jail.

Anyways, I'm out. Love Rizzn.

Quote of the Entry: "My brother happened to be in my bedroom when an interesting commercial came on. It was the "this is the

face of erectile disfunction one." He said, "Now what happens when I see one of those men on the street. I'll look like a freak when I run away screaming that I saw THE face of erectile disfunction." I told him that he put the "dis" in disfunctional family and to get out of my room. " - dirtygirl

(I've seen that commercial, though, with my girlfriend oddly enough this weekend several times, and it never fails to disturb me every time.)